Sunday, 27 April 2014

What It feels like: being in an abusive relationship

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A lot of people think that if you are in an abusive relationship you are weak or stupid if you don't leave.  I know I used to think that. "why would you stay", i'd think.

I don't any more.  

When I first met S I was attracted to his confidence.  He was funny and attractive, and we fell "in love" quickly.  I found out I was pregnant 5 weeks into our relationship and that was when things started going wrong.  Two days after I found out i was pregnant S told me he wanted a paternity test.  He was verbally abusive and I miscarried within 10 days.

Abusers don't start their abuse on the first date, you don't get a goodnight slap instead of a kiss.  S started acting jealous and didn't like me seeing my friends, especially my male friends.  Over the course of 6 months he managed to distance me from all but my very best friend.  He did this by pointing out how they were unsuitable and asked too much of me.  It was constant everyday, "look what she is asking you to do.  A good person would not ask that of you", he'd say.  Thing was, he wasn't wrong all the time, my friends were asking me to lie for them and it wasn't right and I knew that so he got into my head and once there he started changing the way I thought about other things.

He didn't like me talking or even looking at other men because it was disrespectful to him.  One time when walking down the street with him I looked up long enough to read the slogan on a man's t shirt, this led to an hour and a half argument about how i was eyeing up other men while with him.  I learned to walk with my head down.

When he was in a foul mood he would drag up the past and shame me for what he considered an immoral lifestyle (this meant I was friends with men and hung out in bars with my friends after work).  He would drag me round the house pinning me against walls or the bed and shouting abuse in my face.  Sometimes he would lock the door and  say "how are you going to get out?  I'm never going to let you go, so what are you going to do?"  

Afterwards he would cry and apologise and tell me the fact i was no longer in contact with my friends was for my own good and in the end that's all he wanted for me.  I was alone, confused, frightened and ashamed.  
He was rarely physically violent to me, but one night after we had been out a works night out (his).  Things came to a head.  He felt my actions were inappropriate and I felt after talking with some people that things weren't right and i wanted to leave.  I didn't have my keys with me so he walked home with me so i could get some things and then he slapped me, right there on the street.  It was a busy Saturday night but no-one saw it or if they did no-one tried to help me.  When we got home he dragged me round the house with such force the next day i would have to go to hospital to have my hand checked.  He smashed my mobile phone and screamed abuse.

I hadn't talked to anyone about what was happening.  I tried to leave a few times but always returned because he would cry and promise things would change and I would want to believe him.  I felt ashamed that my relationship wasn't working, that perhaps I was all the things he said I was.  I little contact with any family near me and only one friend to speak to, and i didn't want to burden her with what I considered my problem.  I was scared of what people would think of me, of having no-where to go, of managing on my own.  He had robbed me of all my confidence over the course of our relationship.  I felt terrified of being on my own, because I didn't think i could cope.   

Almost 10 years on I can tell you I did leave and as a final act of malice/desperation S killed himself telling me it was because i wouldn't come back to him.

It has taken years to build my self confidence, to talk about what happened.  I still feel a deep sence of shame and catch myself walking with my head down.  I fight the demons in my head that tell me I am the worst kind of woman.  

So the answer the question "Why would you stay?" 

FEAR

Saturday, 26 April 2014

I Like your Style - Rockabilly

After showing you some of my favorite Harajuku Style and Hijab Style. I thought i'd share one of my favorite vintage styles - Rockabilly.  I love the mix of comfort, sexiness and glamour.  Again all pictures were found on pintrest.


Rockabilly  rockabilly-girls-style-

   Rockabilly girl.

Rockabilly Girl Ulya Trukhina by Yana Kalina  Brooklyn Babe // EJK photography

Guess Fall 2010 Campaign | Alyssa Miller & Elsa Hosk by Ellen von Unwerth | Fashion Gone Rogue: The Latest in Editorials and Campaigns  DAPPER DAY Rockabilly Girl:: Vintage Fashion:: Retro Style if i could i would dress like this every day

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Saturday, 19 April 2014

10 Places I want to visit before I die

There are so many places I want to visit, I don't know how i'm going to afford or find the time, but here is my top 10 places.  I hope one day I will see these places.

1) Ko Phi Phi Don, Thailand



Ko Phi Phi Don, Thailand
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2) Venice

Underwater train in Venice
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3) Greece

Santorini, Greece.
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4) Tokyo

Have you ever wanted to try #Japanese #Lolita #fashion? Now you can - in Harajuku! Maison de Julietta is a "Harajuku Lolita Experience" salon that transforms anyone into a #Lolita w/ new hair, #makeup & fashion
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5) Moscow

Moscow Moscow
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6) Shanghai

Yuyuan Garden tea house In Shanghai, China • photo: Justin Guariglia on Fine Art America
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7) India

So many vivid colors!
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8) Norway

Borgund Stave Church, Norway
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9) Cambodia

The Gate of Angkor Thom, Cambodia
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10) Sweden

CREPERIE AND LOGI (Crepes and Lodging) in Sweden
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Saturday, 12 April 2014

I Like your style - Hijabs

After showing you some of my favorite Harajuku styles I wanted to show you my new obsession, Hijab style.  I am not muslim and don't wear a hijab, but i love how beautiful they look. I think it must be quite hot to have your head covered but when they look this pretty it must be worth it.  All Pictures were found on Pintrest.

:)  Muslim couple

Turban!  Beautiful woman, beautiful turban  I wish I could pull off one of those.  Muslimah fashion inspiration

http://abayatrade.com muslim fashion magazine  #hijabi #hijabista safari  Nice outfit

Fashion Bee  ELHASBU: Colorfull Chic

bright colours  Muslimah fashion inspiration

YUNA - 25 years old and from Malaysia, she's been making music since 2008. via Simpy Cyn.  There are many ways of wearing the hijab, as photographer Sara Shamsavari’s pictures of Muslim women on the streets of London demonstrate. Her photographs are being exhibited at the Royal Festival Hall for International Women’s Day as part of the Women of the World festival.

Thursday, 10 April 2014

Some thoughts I have about my blog/life.



Blogging is a weird thing.  I don't know why i do it but i like it.  I try to write honestly about things that matter to or interest me.  I don't think i'm a good writer to be honest, I don't think I am particularly good at anything, but I try.  You won't find beautiful pictures of my amazing creative escapades because I don't do amazing creative escapades, I do ok creative stuff.  I would describe my attempts as, at best, adequate.

When I read other blogs I think how well they do their thing.  Like a lot of people I feel inadequate when I compare my meager offerings to theirs.  Everyone seems to be bigger, better and brighter than me.  I know other people feel this way too so I'm in good company.

I am surprised that the most read post on here is about being teetotal.  I am not sure why this is, so if any one can enlighten me please do.  I am still teetotal, though the other night at a book signing the man behind me had a glass of wine that smelt so amazing i briefly couldn't remember why!

I don't really know what the point f this post is.  It's just something I wanted to get out there.

Tuesday, 8 April 2014

Inspirational Women #2 Malala's father Ted talk

Malala Yousafzai was my second Inspirational woman post and in March this  year her father gave a Ted Talk.  It's awesome, watch it.


Saturday, 5 April 2014

10 famous' I'd like to have dinner with.

I wanted to write a fun post so thought I'd share my top 10 famous' I'd like to have dinner with. 

1) Zooey Deschanel


Just because she seems fun

2) Gretchen Rubin


To discuss happiness

3) Vince McMahon


To debate how sexist I think WWE is

4) Caitlin Moran


To discuss feminism and tiny pants

5) Greta Gerwig


To talk about films

6) Jennifer Lawrence


Cause she seems like a fun girl

7) Helen Mirren


To talk about life

8) Mila Kunis


Have you seen this interview? How cool is she!

9) Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

 

To talk about books and to learn about Africa

10) Cameron Russell


Because i really enjoyed her Ted Talk

You may have noticed that there is only one man on this list and there are many famous men i would like to have dinner with, but could I talk to them? Probably not i'd feel too embarrassed and self conscious and probably wouldn't feel comfortable eating.  

Who would be on your list?