Wednesday, 1 May 2013

What it feel like to have a miscarriage


So, reading this weeks Grazia magazine i came across this story "One in four of us will miscarry during out pregnancy. So why is it so hard to talk about it? Writer Jude Rogers, 34, who lost her baby recently, tackles the taboo.".  I thought I'd share my story with you since so many people don't talk about it.

I was 21 when i had my miscarriage.  I had only been with my boyfriend a couple of months and honestly we had been pretty lax with contraception.  Still I was surprised and delighted to find out I was pregnant.  it is 9 years on and my memory of the time is a little all over the place, but this is what i remember.

I came home from work about 10pm and my boyfriend had run a bath for me.  When i was in the bath he told me he wanted a DNA test  as he didn't believe the baby was his.  He then spent the next 1-2 hours verbally abusing me.  The next day i started to bleed.  I didn't know what to do so I phoned NHS24 who told me not to worry but to go and see my Dr.  I wasn't in any pain but the bleeding was like that of a heavy period.  My GP told me that everything looked ok but that she would arrange for me to have an ultrasound.  As it was a Friday afternoon though i would have to wait till Monday   The next day while on the toilet i passed a small white veiny blob.  When i looked at it i knew that was my baby and it was all over.  

I went with my boyfriend to A&E and they did a pregnancy test to confirm i had been pregnant and sent me to see what i assume now was a gynecologist who checked me out and told me that everything looked intact and i would have to see the ultrasound on Monday as arranged.  I knew even though they were telling me everything looked fine, that I had lost the baby, but we clung on to a little hope that i might be wrong.  Monday came and i had the ultrasound that confirmed what we already knew.

I was off work for about a week and when i went back nobody would talk to me about it.  No-one asked me if i was ok, it was like it had never happened and i felt completely alone.  As it turns out one of my friends had told everyone they were not to mention what had happened, thinking that talking about it would be too upsetting.  It was done out of kindness but it was the worst thing that they could have done.

I don't remember much about what happened afterwards.  My boyfriend became very abusive and I guess i got on with dealing with that.  Every now and then he would throw the pregnancy back in my face.  Eventually I began to feel that maybe the miscarriage was a blessing because it meant i wasn't tied to him.  I wondered if the stress he put me through that first night caused the miscarriage.

I sometimes thought about the baby that could have been, when i would have been due, birthdays, etc.  As i say that was 9 years ago.  Nine years, my life would have been very different.  If i had a child i probably wouldn't have left my abusive boyfriend, I suspect i might not have been around to tell this story.  What having a miscarriage has left me with though is a fear of ever getting pregnant again.  I question my ability to cope with another one, and i don't think i could relax through the pregnancy at all, constantly looking for signs there was a problem.  Because of this I intend to adopt instead of having my own children.  I am sure the adoption process has many ups and downs but at least it won't be happening inside my body.

If i could give anyone advice about miscarriage it would be to talk about it with a friend or your partner.  Also, 1/2/3/4 miscarriages don't necessarily mean you can't go on to have a healthy pregnancy, i have family members who are living proof of this. 

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  1. I have written about my miscarriage a few times on my blog. For a time I thought I was getting over it. My friends don't want to talk about it, and neither does my husband. However, the closer I get to what would have been my due date now, the harder it is starting to get. We are trying again, but I miss my baby that I lost so much. I don't understand why it is taboo to talk about it, to love a baby so much that I didn't get a chance to get to know.

    1. Thank you bearhavenmama I know how you feel, No-one wanted to talk to me about it, i was supposed to just forget it ever happened. I suppose people thought i would feel worse if i talked about it. 9 Years on i still think about it. It doesn't hurt anymore although if i dwell on the fact i won't have a baby i feel really upset. I wish you luck with getting pregnant in the future, I am living proof that a miscarriage doesn't mean you can't have a healthy baby, my mum miscarried twice before having me.