Tuesday, 16 April 2013

What it feels like: to strive for perfect

While reading Oh Comely Magazine today at work i came across a quote that hit me so hard i almost started crying there and then.

"If i do enough right , I can limit how much goes wrong"

Those words were like a knife being stabbed in to me because, when I'm ill especially, this is what my brain tells me.  I seek perfection from everything I do for example, if my boyfriend wants something to eat and I haven't bought it in the weekly shop I feel I have failed.  I have failed to anticipate his wants and needs and therefore I have allowed him to be disappointed and I have done a bad job.     

The words come from a writer with OCD.  She has to count and do things in multiples of 4 because she believes if she doesn't bad things will happen.

When i was a child we used to have pretty crappy cars.  I mean one day away from the scrap yard cars.  Often the card wouldn't start and my mum would turn the key and the engine would stutter.  She would get angrier and angrier and I started closing my eyes, holding my breath and willing the car to start.  Sometimes it would, sometimes it wouldn't.  If it started I had succeeded  if it didn't I had failed and my mum would be angry and stressed.  

I am lucky enough to now live a life where my boyfriend has a decent car that starts.  But, recently i was in a car that was struggling to start and I found myself closing my eyes and holding my breath again.  As crazy as it sounds (and I know it is) I feel that I have to do this to help the car start.  If I have to breath or open my eyes I have broken the momentum and the car won't start.

If i do it right, i can limit the bad things that happen.

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