Wednesday, 27 March 2013

What it feels like to be teetotal

I gave up drinking 2 and a half years ago.  I'd been to a party the night before and had drunk a bottle of wine.  The next day i felt devastatingly depressed.  My boyfriend found me curled up on the bathroom floor sobbing and i begged him to leave so i could kill myself.  Admittedly i was in the middle of a depressive episode anyway, but this reaction terrified me and my boyfriend. We went to my GP who told me i had to stop drinking.  For me this was just another way i was different to other people and i felt even more freakish.

I have been drinking since i was 16, when we used to get quarter bottles of vodka on a Saturday night and go out and watch bands.  It was great.  I fondly remember being 17 as being a year of drinking, smoking and having sex (with my boyf, not randoms).  

I am not a smug non-drinker i am actually quite embarrassed   I want to have a glass of wine with my dinner, I want to go out for cocktails, I want to have champagne when i go to a wedding.  But, the memory of the bathroom floor is still strong.  People ask if i'm driving (I don't drive), and i don't know what to say.  I don't want to go into why i'm not drinking, it'd be a major buzz kill for everyone.  Because i used to drink, and quite a lot, I think a lot of people think i'm an alcoholic.   I am not inclined to dispel this theory.  I feel more comfortable with being thought an alcoholic rather than mentally ill.

Some people are really kind.  I remember going to a party when everyone was doing shots.  I was getting a lot of pressure to take part but i knew i couldn't.  One guy made me a shot of mixy-up juice in the same colour to what everyone else was doing though so i didn't feel left out.  And, to be clear the picture at the top is a mocktail. 

Now when i go out i drink orange and lemonade or diet coke so it is less obvious i'm not drinking.  When i go to parties i take a bottle of fruit fizz and drink it in a wine glass so it looks like rose. 

I don't know if i'll ever be able to drink again and i'm now getting used to that idea.  I miss the way alcohol lets you loosen up.  I don't mess the headaches, sickness and feeling generally shitty.  

Saturday, 2 March 2013

Happiness Project - March

Month three of my Happiness Project and this month it's all about work.

1) Enjoy the fun of failure

2) Ask for help

3) Work smart

4) Enjoy now

5) Blog

I knew the February Resolutions would be hard.because i need praise.  Not prompting for praise has been really tough and i failed several times, but i did succeed a couple of times.

As for my January Resolutions, I've been tackling nagging tasks and going to bed earlier.  I've felt better for having more sleep though it is really annoying going to bed before 10pm.